honeyandvinegar (honeyandvinegar) wrote in crackfickery,
honeyandvinegar
honeyandvinegar
crackfickery

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C'mon now folksies.

Well, first post was a total BUST. *pouts*
Here's another.

"Shire Pie"
Frodo/Sam, whoever else happens to come along

Sam: A'right Mr. Frodo, just finished clipping the hedges, I'm in need of a drink, what're you doing?
Frodo: (jumping back from the kitchen table yet doesn't turn around; looks over his shoulder to Sam while his hands seem busy in front of him) What what what Sam?
Sam: (befuddled, blinking) What... are ye doin'?
Frodo: Oh NOTHING, oh OW...
Sam: (concerned) Ye a'right, Mr. Frodo??
Frodo: (plastering his front to the table) I'm so all right Sam, it's not even funny.
Sam: (frowning in confusion at the table; points to a destroyed blackberry pie) What happened??
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What are we supposed to do?
Keep it goin'!!! The whole idea is to make a HUGE crack!fic outta the start given!!!
See this is why I don't write,,,, I just spent twenty minutes trying to think of something to write,,,,, nada,,, nothing,, zilch,, zero,,,
sigh,,,,
maybe if you simply wrote the first sentance,,, hmmmm,,

Hugs...
LOL! A'right...

Frodo: (smiling nervously and shrugging) To um, what?

;)
Sam: To that, um, pie, or what was a pie on yer table there...sir.

Frodo: I was, er, bringing it over to the window, and blast if that table didn't jump right up and get in my way. I...tripped, Sam. Plain and simple.

Sam: (moving forward towards Frodo's back)Tripped, eh? (peeks over shoulder) Do you always make pies with your flap undone?

Frodo: (turning beet red) SAMWISE GAMGEE! GET OUT OF THIS KITCHEN THIS INSTANT. *huffs* Before I have Gandalf turn you into a toad!
Sam: Urm, Gandalf's a bit busy wheelin' an' dealin' in Minas Tirith, far's I know, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: (blinking wildly and mouth gaping, closing, gaping) SO I LIKE PIE!! I just... I ate some right off the top there, see? And it was yummy!
Sam: Then why's the front of yer breeches covered in cinnamon goop??
Frodo: (biting tongue and starting to look a bit bonkers) I EAT MESSILY!!!
Sam: (cocking an eyebrow) Maybe s'not me place to say, but I think you put yer-
Frodo: (completely mental now) YOU'RE FIRED!!
Sam: Fired? Cool beans. Then you won't think it inappropriate, beyond the bounds of the master/servant relationship, blah blah blah, if I just...do...THIS! (yanks down Frodo's breeches, dropping to his knees along with them, and spins Frodo around away from the table)

Frodo: YIKES!

Sam: (licks the sticky mess off of Frodo's um...you know)Mmm, blackberry and Frodo, my favorite flavors.

Frodo: (wants to pull Sam off, but can't for all the sticky mess on his fingers as well, so he stands there flailing his arms and his head falls back) Saaaahhhhmmmm... (suddenly he realizes that the goop on his hands would practically cement Sam's head to his hands and he could use them to put Sam just where he wants him)

Frodo: (plasters hands in Sam's curls, grips) Right...(turns Sam's head slightly) ...there... (pulls Sam's head flush to his stomach)

Sam: Fffttbbbrfftt.

Frodo: Wha? (keeps death grip in Sam's hair)

Sam: Fftg ssfft: Fffttbbbrfftt.

Frodo: Ooohhhh, that feels good Sam. Doitagaindoitagain.

Sam: Fffttbbbrfftt!! (passes out, goes limp with his lips still glued to Frodo's pie)

Frodo: Crapses.

Gollum: You called?
Frodo: (eyes wider than usual) Holy flying Elbereth on a stick!! Who're YOU??
Gollum: (hacks and coughs) Goooollum!
Smeagol: (whimpering) No!! Nooo! We likes the pie, we just cames overses to have somes!!
Gollum: (sneering and cursing under his breath) Looks likes the fat hobbitses already tooks itseseses!
Frodo: (bewildered, trying to move Sam away from his... pie) But... OMGZ!!! You're THAT Gollum!
Gollum: Whats others Gollums GOLLLUM (hacks more) did you expectses, stupid blue-eyed verile hobitsesesesssses??
Frodo: (grabbing the pie in its plate) HERE!! Take the pie!!
Gollum: That's not the pieses we wantsesssessses.
Smeagol: (cowering and fussing with fingers nervously) Noooo! We can'ts take the poor hobbitses dignities! Es Es!
Gollum: (hacking again, shaking head from side to side) 'E's no decent hobbitses! This fat hobbit is the fifth he's hads!!!
Frodo: HUSH UP! (looks at a still unconscious Sam) You'll give away my secrets. This is only the second time today I've lured someone in with my pie trick!

Gollum: Nassty hobbitses. We won't tell your secretses if we can have some hobbitses pie!

Frodo: SHRIEK!

Sam: (wakened by Frodo's girly ear-piercing scream) Frodo? (sees Gollum) I thought I smelt somethin! Look 'er you, I'll have yer guts for garters if'n you don't leave now! That sausage pie is MINE, MY OWN, MY PRECIOUSSSSS...

Gollum: Amateurses...

*poof*

Gandalf: I heard there were tricks being performed here. Care to share?

Frodo: (eyes crossed with madness) GANDALF>!! MBNS! You're supposed to be tracking down the Ring of the Evil Dark Lord Sauron in Minas Tirith!!
Gandalf: (shrugging) I heard there was a delicious sausage pie back in the Shire and decided to investigate- er, you never know- could be evil produced by Sauron himself.
Sam: Surely you don't mean Frodo's Pie?
Gandalf: Oh yes indeed, I do. I think I must inspect it closely, make sure it's not being tampered with.
Frodo: TAMPERED???
Sam: I think it's been tampered with enough, if ye don't mind me sayin'.
Frodo: (looking betwixt them both) HEY now, who pulled down WHOSE trousers here???
Gandalf: Not me.
Sam: (irate) And WHO was stickin' 'is pie in a pie??
Frodo: (stomping like a child) And WHO was eating that pie?
Gandalf: (confused) Which pie?
Sam: (ignoring Gandalf's question) And WHO wasn't wearin' no underclothes UNDER those trousers???? Oooh, mighty shameful, though it prob'ly makes it EASIER to serve up some sausages!
Gandalf: Tomatoes, and bacon?
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